First Tomato

The big sister reached into the jungle of tomatoes, planted too close together by the mother who doesn't really know what she's doing...Hey! It's my first garden, and jostled it so gently that it dropped, red and ready into her little palm. 

The Middle Bit stripped off her wet bathing suit and came streaking across the yard to receive the sun warmed treasure.

It only happens once a season.  Once.  So you have to be ready for it...she was.  You have to treasure it...she did.

The first tomato.

Just Under the Surface

"You can hold your breath, 

but you cannot pretend you don't breathe."

                                        -me

Even as he speeds back to me I can feel myself clawing towards the surface.  Mouth gaping in a silent scream.  Chest burning, ready to explode with my need for air.  The harder I push the father away it seems.  He's been gone for weeks now...the Father, my partner, my Love, my air... and I've been holding my breath.  Blah, blah, blah...I can function without him here, yes.  But it's not natural.  You can hold your breath.  I can hold my breath.  It is my choice.  My ability.  Yes. 

I'm better at it than I used to be.  That's how it is with learning to hold your breath.  The more you practice, the better you get at it.  The longer you can go without air.  So yes.  I can go longer these days.  I'm better at it.  But it keeps getting harder too.

Because now it's not just me.  It's me and three little girls.  And the part time job.  And the house guests.  And the old black dog.  And the new puppy...what was I thinking?  Oh that's right, I wasn't thinking...thinking is a non-essential function when you're just trying to make your breath last longer.  I've learned that if I stop doing all sorts of things...like cooking, and reading, and shopping, and blogging... while I hold my breath, I can go longer before I start clawing towards the surface.

So that's where I've been.  Here, yes.  But here holding my breath.  Hold.  Hold.  Hold.  

To be continued...here.

Re-Cycle Built for Two!

My Dear Love, I beg, hold your doubts to few.

I'm half crazy, but that you already knew.

It once was a stylish carriage,

And it seeks a choice remarriage.

It screams defeat.  And has no seat,

But with love could improve our view.

Nancy.  Nancy?  Now is my answer due?

You're half crazy.  Love of my heart, it's true.

It's charm I cannot disparage.

And it won't destroy our marriage.

For I'll be thrilled, once it is filled.

And this bicycle's made anew.

Too Much.

I'm perched half-off my chair today and only half interested in what I'm doing.  Making a "kindof" effort at collecting some thoughts because I'm distracted by a Matterhorn sized pile of laundry, marginal efforts to clean up from one set of company so I can make room for the next round of company, preparations for the departure of the Father (who will be gone for a month...sigh), too much caffeine, too much to say, too much to do...too much.  Just in the time it took me to whack out this paragraph, the dryer buzzed, the microwave beeped and the doorbell rang...distracted.

My big kid is at Gramma's house this week so I'm down to two kids for the next few days...I don't know if it's helping.  It feels weird.  The dynamic is wrong.  The little girls keep looking for her.  One less kid means I have more time right?  Hmm...I don't know how to do 2 kids anymore.  I'm wired for 3.  Regularly I find that 3 is too much.  But this week, only 2 is not enough.  Weird.

I just noticed that today is the summer solstice.  I feel like all the daylight today will be wasted by the fact that I have nothing planned.  Nothing I have to do.  Too much daylight and not enough to fill it.  For the last few mornings in a row I have found myself taking several seconds to even remember what day it is...distracted by too much "nothing to do."

Halfway gone.  Halfway back.  Halfway there.  Meh.  

Last week I vacationed on The Edge.  No, not The Verge...nobody goes there on purpose.  My Middle kid and I went to The Edge (palm trees, movie stars, multiple places to get frozen yogurt in a single city block) for a birthday trip and it was so thoroughly a vacation from my life that I have not recovered.  I can't seem to remember how to assemble the correct ingredients for dinner, pack a diaper in my purse when I walk out the door, go to sleep at a responsible hour...Our host for the week has had such eloquent things to say about the whole visit.  Read him here, and here, and here...and I find myself buried under a pile of great material to write about and can't get anything worked out to say.

Writer's block?  Nope.  I think too much is my problem this week.

If. Then.

If I had worlds of riches...it would still be true that the most important things in my life are priceless.

If I really could shop 'til I dropped...it would still be true that the best things in my life are free.

If I could travel faster than the speed of light...it would still be true that only careful, baby steps move me closer to where I want to be.

If my vision could see through walls...it would still be true that building them keeps people from seeing me.

If I was the luckiest person alive...it would still be true that I'm lucky just to be alive.

If I could hear every sound all at once...it would still be true that I should always listen to my heart.

If knew everything there was to know...it would still be true that I have alot to learn.

If I were the strongest person in the world...it would still be true that there are things I wouldn't lift a finger for.

If I could fly so high my fingers would touch the moon...it would still be true that I am highest when I'm grounded.

If I could reach my arms wider than wide...it would still be true that I'd want to wrap myself around their tiny little fingers.

If I had all the time in the world...it would still be true that the only moment that matters is right now.  This time.  This moment.

If I could do a million things all at once...it would still be true that the single most important thing I'm ever doing, is being.

Let Yourself Off the Damn Hook Already!

This list was inspired by everyone's obsessions with lists these days, by people's guilt about not being able to squeeze one more damn thing into their already busy days, by the fact that a dear friend of mine recently said to me, "Girl.  You ARE the Joneses," when I was droning on about not being able to keep up with someone about something, and my feeling that I need to disclose confess give you a truer picture of what's really going on in this house that has been accused of manufacturing it's own granola bars...ahem...they're muffins.

If I say it's ok does that make it ok?  Um.  No.  But there's a whole bunch of stuff you can get away with and still be a good Mother. Wife. Woman. Human Being.  Seriously...


It's perfectly ok to...

Pick your nose.  Sometimes there's just no other way to get the job done.

Buy your Pottery Barn furniture used on craigslist and lie about it.

Go for weeks at a time during the cold winter months of the Middle and not even consider shaving your legs.

Snack on a Fiber One bar while making homemade oatmeal muffins.

Wear the khakis with the stain on the front side if they make your backside look fabulous!  Hey, you can always just cross your legs!

Not make your bed.  Ever.  Except when your Mother-in-Law is coming.  And sometimes not even then.
 

Use food coloring in the organic boxed mac and cheese to celebrate various cultural holidays.






Wear a bra so padded that you once caught your middle kid using it as a trampoline for her Littlest Pet Shop toys.

Lock the dog in the minivan once a month so she can eat all the crushed food covering the floor and seats.

Wine a little.  Misspelling intended.

Whine a little.  Correct spelling intended.

Have curtains that don't match the carpet.  Life was meant to be lived.  Hair was meant to be dyed.

Make your kids wash their hands after using the toilet, but skip it yourself sometimes...when they're not looking of course.

Have red wine and popcorn for dinner and report it to the public the people at your Weight Watchers meeting as a fruit and a vegetable.

Tuck your issue of US Weekly inside the cover of Cooking Light so the other moms in the waiting room of the ballet studio won't realize it's Robert Pattinson you're salivating over and not asparagus risotto.

Reuse a diaper after dumping the evidence into a bush when you accidentally left the house without an extra one intentionally did not bring an extra one because it wouldn't fit into your cute Spring clutch and you didn't think she would poop at that time of day.

Dislike BJs, but occasionally make them your business anyway, because it is possible to get a good deal out of the whole thing.  And no, I'm not talking about the alternative to Sam's Club or Costco.

Get a tattoo in your thirties.

Blog about homemade soup on the same day you serve chicken nuggets from Costco to your children for dinner.

Not dust.  I subscribe to the philosophy that dust functions as more of a protective coating than something that needs to be removed.

And finally...

It's perfectly ok to have a whole list of things you're not proud of, but to still walk tall in your peep-toe stilettos!  You know...the ones you got at the thrift store!

It's For You...

My friend thinks she missed her calling in life and now she's stuck with this one.  This life.  This thing that is different from what she thinks in a moment of haste was the calling she missed.  She also thinks she better just GET OVER IT.

And since I've always got something to say...here's what I have to say about this!  I reject your reality and substitute my own!   We're modern women.  Free range chicks...pastured if we're lucky...and we've got all this cool technology right at our fingertips.

Like Call Waiting.  The call waits until you are ready to address it, all the while softly beeping in your ear that it's still there.  This calling, it doesn't have your full attention, but you know its there waiting for you when you've finished with life's most urgent business.  Hung up on the mother-in-law.  Scheduled the dentists appointments.  Ended the phone interview.  Ordered the graduation/wedding invitations.  Finished with this life you're living now without getting over it because it'll still be waiting there and all you have to do is click over to it.

And Voice Mail that holds the information from your calling in life so you can go back to it later.  Later after the busy part of your day/parenting/life has ended and you're ready to try something new.

And Call Forwarding so that calling in life that is looking for you at an old location can find you now.  Find you here.  On this new device.  In this life.  In this place.  Because you were kind enough to have your callings forwarded...wasn't that so nice of you.  Yes.

Seriously...there's absolutely no reason to miss a calling these days!  Pick up the phone...it's for YOU!