Monday, October 5, 2009

The Fix

I've been at this for a month now and I've come to the point where I'm asking myself Why am I doing this? What is the goal? Why a blog? Because I have bad handwriting and a journal is too cumbersome? Because I don't speak to empty rooms? Because I'm vain enough to think people want to hear what I have to say? That's getting closer, but I still don't really know to whom I'm even speaking. It was a quiet thrill at the very start. I was putting it out there, but nobody knew, so it was still hidden. Like streaking through a completely dark room full of people. Exposed but covered. But now there is a tiny light on in the corner and someone is watching. It's a different kind of thrill. I like it.

I shot off a post last week after being away from it for a few days. My heart wasn't in it. I was ticked about the towels but not really mad enough for my thoughts to have meaning. I did have to use the nail brush 4 times in one day to recover from changing diapers, but that's just what moms do, and there is no complaining about it because the alternative is too disgusting to even consider.

But I hadn't posted in 4 days and I felt this need. It was crazy really. So I tried to find some thoughts that went together and put up something worth my time, and yours, but when I go back and read it now it just feels false. It wasn't my voice and I think I almost knew it as the words were coming out of my fingers. Like when you construct something appropriate to say to the proud new mommy with the funny looking baby. You talk all around what you feel because you can't just say nothing. Or maybe you can just say can smile or nod or run the other direction...which is maybe what I should have done last week...said nothing.

But then I needed my fix. I needed to put something out there and I should have just forced out the thoughts about why in the hell I needed to post in the first place. That would have been more work, but considerably more satisfying. A month ago there was no blog. There was no collection of words and thoughts. How do you so quickly come to need something that was never there before? And why do I need it? I think I needed to be heard by a new audience so I created a blank space and am now charged with the task of filling it with something. That's a bold action though. Or at least it was bold when I told the world I was doing it. If a landscaper started digging holes in his front yard for the sole purpose of filling them back up with dirt, you'd think he was nuts. He ought to fill those holes up with something better, like a seed that will become something else when it's nurtured or a full grown tree that's showy and gorgeous and that everyone wants to gather around to enjoy the colors when it changes and the shade when the sun makes it hard to think. Last week, I filled up my space with dirt.

I could just delete it. I have that power. But that's not the point. I'm going to build around it and if you're watching you'll have to endure the construction.


  1. You just keep going. Listen to the need.

  2. How you do anything is how you do everything. You've already found out that it's a mirror.