Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Daily Post

I will admit that I am a Facebooker.  I live here in The Middle where we go for months without a double digit temperature.  Today it is -14.  I am virtually a shut in.  I have three small children which equals exactly 6 gloves, 6 boots, 7 zippers, and 8 carseat buckles.  I have a husband who travels extensively during the cold winter leaves me home alone with a bunch of needy short people with whom it is difficult to engage in stimulating conversation.  I could pick up the phone and call someone for engaging  adult repartee were it not for the fact that even the possibility of me picking up the phone transforms a peaceful cooperative collection of children into a screaming, hitting, needy bunch of animals making it impossible to hear the person on the other end of the telephone line.  I could go out and meet friends for coffee...and I do, but not everyday.  Or 5 times a day, when I have a need to feel like an adult and there is nobody around over the age of 4.

I'm left with Facebook.  And all of its faults.  So in the spirit of highlighting the shortcomings of those things we depend on in life I have assembled a list of the types of Facebook posts I find the most ridiculous and annoying.  Note to self: figure out how to determine when you have been "un-friended" before publishing this blog post.

Ima Gud Muther is reading a book with her kids.  Or is having a great time with her kids at the zoo.  Or is sledding with her kids.  Um, no you're not! You're posting on Facebook. Don't ignore your children and then lie about the imagined quality time you're spending with them. 

Ivana B. Thinner just ran 12 miles in the snow.  Really?  Then go take a shower.  Have a glass of water.  Do something, but don't post an exaggerated jog on Facebook.  Are you trying to make us feel bad?  Those of us who have been sitting in front of the computer the whole time you were out improving your health.  If you're going to lie about your exercise, at least lie big!  Tell us you ran 30 miles!  We'll comment about how proud we are of you or how awesome you are, and then our lies will match your lies.  See, everyone's happy!

The lyrics to pretty much any song.  If you can't think of something of your own to say...don't say anything at all.  If I wanted to experience Pink's lyrics, or Katy Perry's lyrics or some profound reworking of The Grateful Dead, then I would turn on the radio and experience them in the way they were part of a song!  With music!  Not some attempt at highly evolved, meaningful, social network poetry. 

Weather reports.  I'm totally fine with laments, complaints, disastrous accounts of and explanations of mental conditions as a result of the weather...but do not give me the current conditions people!  If you live in my town, I can look out my own damn window and tell that it's snowing, raining, windy, a beautiful sunny day or really effing cold AND if I don't live in your town...I really don't care what the current conditions are.

The current score of the game!  Seriously people, don't you have a DVR?  Nobody watches TV in real time anymore.  You're spoiling it for those of us who do choose to be the masters of our own TV consumption and watch the game on our own schedule.  If you're watching the game, go watch the damn game and get off of Facebook! 

The ending of the TV show.  *see previous entry.

The situation with your Mafia hit, your Farm, your attempt at getting Fast Money or your stupid Duck.  I don't care.  Keep your games to yourself.  Ya wanna play with me?  Get out from behind your screen, pry your thumbs off your qwerty keyboard and drive over to my house.  I'd be happy to kick your ass at Scrabble anytime.  Ya know, Scrabble...the one with the little wooden tiles and the pencil and paper score pad? 

Any post that is followed by a See More at the bottom.  I can tell you straight away that when I notice your last sentence trailing off into blank space followed by the blue texted See More I immediately scroll past you.  If you can't say what you need to say in one or two fragmented, slightly strung out highly embroidered sentences then don't post it. If you really do want us to see more, know more or understand MORE, then get a blog people!  It's what all the cool kids are doing these days and you can always link it to Facebook!

Am I judging you if you post this junk?  Maybe.  Will I have any "friends" after this?  Maybe not.  Am I guilty of posting garbage on Facebook?  Certainly.  I'm just outing myself as a person who uses needs the social network to keep her sanity.

Now.  I've gotta link this post to Facebook.

1 comment:

  1. I have to admit that I just read this now. I couldn't agree more even though and am I'm probably guilty of many of these things. In the last year, I've tried to be much more aware of what I'm posting and I usually don't post that much. Really...who cares that I've been home all weekend with sicks kids (which is true!) and am miserable. No one but me, my Mom & husband. Will I be guilty of posting something lame in the future? Maybe...