Photo credit: Susan King, 2011
It's so real. The physical pain you feel the first time you leave them. I wasn't prepared for that.
I searched long and hard for someone to care for them. Did diligent research on the subject. How could I entrust them to just anyone? I couldn't.
But I had decided that they could not come along with me on this journey. I made all the preparations to leave them behind. Made the lists. Told
Funny how I didn't miss them. For awhile. I felt an odd freedom. Lifted. Like myself, but not myself. A new self. A fragile self. How would it be without them? What would I be like now?
It turns out that I never did get an answer to my question...
They followed me here. My weaknesses. They followed me because I simply tried to leave them behind and did not understand that they'd be with me wherever I went. I thought it was my fault that they followed me here because I kept looking back to see if they were still there. It was. I did. They were. I was moving too slowly in my new direction and they were chasing me.
It was so real. The physical pain I felt when they finally caught up to me. I was terrified. I shouldn't have been. They didn't want to hurt me. They just had some things they needed to tell me.
I needed to know that they would cripple me, wear me down, unless I figured out how to deal with them. I would have to be stronger in the right places to compensate. I needed to understand that if I tried to move out ahead of them again, and leave them in the dust, that they would keep stepping on my heels. I would have to let them be next to me in order to walk as easily as I planned. I needed to accept that they were weaknesses. Not failures. Or catastrophes. Or defeats.
It does get easier. The leaving. The going.