Thursday, April 21, 2011

On Second Thought...

I was having this wildly stimulating pathetically judgement filled conversation with a group of moms the other day.  We were talking about toddlers and nutrition...sigh.  It was meant to be a time for us to share tips and tricks; discuss what has worked for us in the past; what we are still failing at as mothers of little people.  As we hesitated and lurched through admissions of daughters who won't touch vegetables and whether or not a whole flax seed gets digested by the body if you don't chew it all up I began to feel a bit high.  Not the high that we all did in college...the high that goes with mighty.  Yeah, my kids eat vegetables.  My kids eat exotic grains.  My kids ask beg for "sprinkles" on their oatmeal.  In our house "sprinkles" is code the big mother lie for flax seed!  High and mighty I was feeling.  Indeed!  Woe befalls these poor children subsisting on pizza flavored chips and hand held strawberry type cultured dairy products.  I held my tongue...mostly.  

All natural!  High and Mighty!  Natural!  From nature.  Not altered.  Basic.  Better in every way!  In every area of our lives.  Let's get back to nature people!  Yes!

On second thought...

All natural sucks.

All natural means I can't have Honeycrisp apples.  Those glorious spheres of engineered produce that have caused me to commit sins against my children and my grocery budget.  They are nothing close to natural.  All natural means the two fruit genes that the produce geniuses married to create this orb of perfection would never have even met and we'd all be forced to settle for what grows on natural apple trees...all natural sucks.

All natural is primitive.  It doesn't allow for the existence of my HDTV.  That massive television that makes the sweeping panoramic shots of the Alaskan wilderness look more beautiful than the actual wilderness that I would never get to see on your average Wednesday evening.  All natural doesn't account for why my life has been improved by the invention of the DVR.  Watch television in real time?  Hah!  Nobody does that anymore.  And if you are about to tell me my life would be even better without the TV...just don't.  I love my TV in all of its unnatural glory and YOU should be careful not to fall down off your pedestal when you lean over to lecture me!

All natural faithfully and truthfully represents nature or life.  Like my mousy brown hair?  Ashy and flat in all of its natural dullness.  Nope.  That kind of all natural sucks too.  I'll take my stylist managed, seasonally changing, tipped by sass color job any day.  Thankyouverymuch.  And while we're on the topic of truthfully representing ourselves...two words: waterproof mascara.  Duh!    

All natural conforms to the ordinary and unaltered state of things.  That calls to mind an image of me in a cocktail dress without Spanx...or that fancy deodorant that doesn't leave marks on black clothing...or my 4 inch peep toe stilettos.  Unaltered my ass!  Literally!  Who even wants to go there?  If all natural means lumpy, stinky and short, I'll skip it thankyouverymuch. 

On second thought...all natural sucks.

1 comment:

  1. Amen.
    Although I do miss sleeping au naturale from before the kids came along...