Thursday, February 4, 2010

A Top 10 for 2010

Seems like everybody's got a Top 10 these days.  Top 10 colors for Spring!  Top 10 foods that are good for your heart!  Top 10 destinations for your next family holiday...Oprah's got them, Dave's always had one, heck even Weight Watchers has a Top 10 list this year.  After all, it is the new year and what a perfect year to obsess about tens.

So I thought I'd get myself one.  I thought about my favorite recipes, books, wines, organizing products, smart ass comments...but every time I sat down to work on my list... Every. Single. Time.  My lap was taken over by aliens (of course I mean my beautiful children who deserve my attention during their waking hours) and the only list I could come up with was:

Top 10 Maddening Truths of Motherhood

1.  No matter where you are going or how fast you are traveling THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU MOVING MORE SLOWLY THAN YOU ARE MOVING!

2.  Yelling "Don't touch that!" in the general direction of a child/husband is actually the best way to get them to touch that!

3.  The normally scheduled time for typical daily activities no longer applies to your life.  You will eat when you are not hungry.  You will be forced to try and sleep when you are not tired.  You will be forced to stay awake when you are exhausted.  You will make yourself pee when you don't have to because you just might be able to eek out a tiny little bit that might help you sit in your airline seat for a little bit longer with a baby who will surely fall asleep before the flight is over and you won't be able to wiggle a finger for fear of waking said child let alone get up to go to the bathroom on your 3 hour flight.  Normal times no longer apply.

4.  They can't always get what they want and it won't help if they keep on asking, but don't bother asking them to stop.  They will continue to ask over and over and over and over and over and it will succeed in driving you over the verge, because you can't always get what you want either and it won't help if you keep on asking.

5.  The devilish power of the telephone will take on a whole new meaning.  If your children are playing quietly in the other room, as soon as it rings they will be in your face asking you a question.  If your children are getting along and playing a game together, as soon as it rings they will be screaming at each other.  If your children are finally gathered at the table together for a family dinner, as soon as it rings the milk will be spilled.  If your children are away and you are missing them, as soon as it rings you'll feel better.

6.  If you ever walk away from a 2 year old eating yogurt you will be sorry.

7.  Someone always needs help with something: Mommy I can't reach that; Mommy, I need a drink; Mommy, I can't find the spinner for this game; Mommy, this book has a rip, will you fix it now; Mommy, I'm awake now;  Mommy, my flashlight needs new batteries; Mommy, I need help consequently, you will have trouble finishing what you've started.

8.  *see #7

9.  *see #7

10.  *see #7


  1. it was actually the yogurt and the sure to be sorry that got me. hoo boy. the places it can end up...

  2. Oddly enough, the yogurt got me too. When my now three year old learned how to open yogurt containers by himself...after learning how to unlock the fridge...after learning how to scale the kitchen gate, I wanted to cry and indeed didn't buy yogurt for a *very* long time.

  3. I like the last few
    it took me 20 minutes to read this

  4. The telephone.... oh the telephone. The minute I get on it, which is not often (I avoid that bad boy like the plague) all 3 of my offspring have life and death questions that must be answered IMMEDIATELY! I hate the phone. I takes me to the verge!

  5. Love it- so true!! I have to add to number three the amazing ability mothers have that allows us to sit for three hours in the same position when all of our limbs have gone numb and are way past the nice tingling sensation just so the sleeping baby does not wake. Oh the precarious positions my poor body has had to suffer and sacrifice for some much needed peace. Thanks for the laughs!!