At the very beginning, for my very first thing, I was somebody's daughter. Their child. Full of the potential to become lots of things...eventually. Instantly I was cousin, niece, grand-daughter, god daughter. But first I was somebody's daughter.
Not too long after becoming that very first thing, she came along and I became somebody's sister. Full of the potential to become lots of things...to her...eventually. Sometimes her best friend, other times her worst enemy. Part protector, part tormentor. Part paver of the way, part partaker in her little sister ways. Sister.
Along the way I became somebody's friend, student, teammate, classmate, teacher, aunt, girlfriend, best friend, employee, notable things to many different people...some of whom were notable, others...not so much.
Then he came along and I became somebody's love. Full of the potential to become lots of things...eventually. Best friend, lover, bride, partner. Wife.
When she came along, finally, 13 days after I was expecting her, I became somebody's mother. Full of the potential to become lots of things...eventually. What did I become when the next little girl came along 2 and a half years later? And then, the bonus little girl barely 17 months after that? Still a mother? More of a mother? Certainly, even more full of the potential to become lots of things...eventually...for all three of them. Mother.
It's interesting to think about how what we are, connects us to the people we keep. I have no choice but to be somebody's daughter. It's simply what I am. There's an amazing amount of power in that connection. There's a different kind of strength in the connection that makes me his partner. That's my choice..and one I would make day after day, over and over again...but still, it's my option. That's a compelling connection.
The connection that makes me their mother is special, because for me, it's both. For me, it began with a choice. I chose to become a mother, but now, it's simply what I am. Actually, it's not simple at all. It's complicated, and sophisticated, and profound, and intricate, and unconscious and forever...and I'm grateful for it day after day, over and over again.
Happy Mother's Day to me. Thank you girls. For being what you are and making me what I am.
Because the middle bit is the juicy part, the part with the seeds of new things and sometimes is just the pits.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
This vs. That...and other really important stuff.
Sometimes I'm awake at 3am. Here's what happened last night and in a fog I resolved to do a little something differently.
Last night, this brilliant woman I know posed the question on her Facebook status "Are you an Austen girl or a Bronte girl?" Almost immediately there were folks from across the globe chiming in with very definite votes for one or the other. Always loving to be surrounded by people with strong opinions, I was desperate to join in. But I couldn't. I was feeling more than a bit left out, kindof small and blush-in-my-cheeks embarrassed to think that the last 3,000 pages or so that I read had me debating the question "Edward or Jacob"... if you don't know, please, don't ask. I'm ashamed enough already.
I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. I've been places, done stuff, eaten there, read that, met them, seen those...blahblahblah. There's always room for improvement, right? Right. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself...after all, I did have Breitzman and Schurtz for HS English, but in many ways, it was downhill from there. I read a bunch of stuff in college. But I did alot of stuff in college that I wouldn't do now...like drink Coors Light and kiss New Yorkers. Blech. Shudder. Not that I'm comparing Chaucer to skunky beer, but you get the point.
In the interest of full disclosure, and because I've been thinking alot lately about the things we keep, here's what's piled beside my bed this week. So I think I'm ready for a new stack on my nightstand. The picture of the cute husband stays. My children sleep through the night, concert season is nearly over, summer is knocking on my door, my major home projects are almost completed and I'm feeling the strong tug of some potential free time coming my way...even if it is only 20 minutes each night before my eyes slam shut from exhaustion.
So, if you're out there (and I know you're out there, you silent, hiding readers. I know you're there, because my sitemeter tells me so, even if you're too shy to comment here and there. Please do, I know you have things to say.)...where should I start? If you could map out a journey (another trip I'm sure) through your favorite classics, where would you have me start? Free reign. If you tell me to read it...I will.
Last night, this brilliant woman I know posed the question on her Facebook status "Are you an Austen girl or a Bronte girl?" Almost immediately there were folks from across the globe chiming in with very definite votes for one or the other. Always loving to be surrounded by people with strong opinions, I was desperate to join in. But I couldn't. I was feeling more than a bit left out, kindof small and blush-in-my-cheeks embarrassed to think that the last 3,000 pages or so that I read had me debating the question "Edward or Jacob"... if you don't know, please, don't ask. I'm ashamed enough already.
I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. I've been places, done stuff, eaten there, read that, met them, seen those...blahblahblah. There's always room for improvement, right? Right. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself...after all, I did have Breitzman and Schurtz for HS English, but in many ways, it was downhill from there. I read a bunch of stuff in college. But I did alot of stuff in college that I wouldn't do now...like drink Coors Light and kiss New Yorkers. Blech. Shudder. Not that I'm comparing Chaucer to skunky beer, but you get the point.
In the interest of full disclosure, and because I've been thinking alot lately about the things we keep, here's what's piled beside my bed this week. So I think I'm ready for a new stack on my nightstand. The picture of the cute husband stays. My children sleep through the night, concert season is nearly over, summer is knocking on my door, my major home projects are almost completed and I'm feeling the strong tug of some potential free time coming my way...even if it is only 20 minutes each night before my eyes slam shut from exhaustion.
So, if you're out there (and I know you're out there, you silent, hiding readers. I know you're there, because my sitemeter tells me so, even if you're too shy to comment here and there. Please do, I know you have things to say.)...where should I start? If you could map out a journey (another trip I'm sure) through your favorite classics, where would you have me start? Free reign. If you tell me to read it...I will.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Signs...continued.
"How far are we from where we need to be?"
As parents? As partners? Good question.
It's all a bit of a trip isn't it? This life we travel through. A journey. An odyssey sometimes. An odyssey frequently.
There are certainly course corrections. The u-turns/back-tracks/about-faces we make to get back on the right track when we find that we are headed in the wrong direction. Then there the thousands of tiny adjustments we make just to stay in themiddlebit of the road. To not crash into something. And when you're happy about where you're going...and who you're going with...it's an easier trip.
Happy. Yep. I've been loving myself a lot more lately. No. Not that kind of self-love. What kind of blog do you think this is? I've assembled a perfectly respectable collection in theMiddlebit of everything else I'm doing and I may have slipped up a bit here, and maybe here, and most certainly here...but no real harm done. This kind of self love must be the Fahrvergnügen of this trip of life. The I like what I see, this must be the right road, the scenery is fantastic, I'm no longer being held hostage in the trunk kind of love. And I've been thinking about signs again.
There are signs along the way. A wise girl said to me there are always signs if you know when to look for them. Yes. True. Sometimes we see those signs. Other times, we ignore them.
Here's one I apparently missed.
It's is entirely possible that I did see this sign, but thought that my skills were such that I could just keep moving along at my normal speed and accommodate the presence of children. Yeah. I was totally wrong about that. There's a whole list of things you need to do differently in the zone of your life that has children running all over it. All. Over. It. This is their zone and I drove right into it. I took this route on purpose, but I've only just realized I'm going to need to slow down on some things, pay closer attention to a few others and focus a little more on the important stuff if I'm going to navigate through this without hurting the children, my other passengers, my self, and my driving record. Yes. Go slow. There's children.
And then there's this one...
Many signs pass us by when we're on a familiar road. Our level of comfort is such that we don't need to look at those street signs. We know the speed limit. We know where the stop signs are. We just go. But my awareness is heightened these days because I have recently chosen an unfamiliar road. A new trip. I've headed down the road without directions, but with a general idea of where I'd like to end up. "How far are we from where we need to be?" And I'm looking out for this sign.
You'll let me know if I missed it won't you? Fellow travelers. This sign will signal that at least for the next leg of my journey I can focus my attention somewhere other than the potential crevice I might fall into if I'm not watching where I'm going.
Thanks. I'll send you the directions when I get where I'm going.
As parents? As partners? Good question.
It's all a bit of a trip isn't it? This life we travel through. A journey. An odyssey sometimes. An odyssey frequently.
There are certainly course corrections. The u-turns/back-tracks/about-faces we make to get back on the right track when we find that we are headed in the wrong direction. Then there the thousands of tiny adjustments we make just to stay in themiddlebit of the road. To not crash into something. And when you're happy about where you're going...and who you're going with...it's an easier trip.
Happy. Yep. I've been loving myself a lot more lately. No. Not that kind of self-love. What kind of blog do you think this is? I've assembled a perfectly respectable collection in theMiddlebit of everything else I'm doing and I may have slipped up a bit here, and maybe here, and most certainly here...but no real harm done. This kind of self love must be the Fahrvergnügen of this trip of life. The I like what I see, this must be the right road, the scenery is fantastic, I'm no longer being held hostage in the trunk kind of love. And I've been thinking about signs again.
There are signs along the way. A wise girl said to me there are always signs if you know when to look for them. Yes. True. Sometimes we see those signs. Other times, we ignore them.
Here's one I apparently missed.
It's is entirely possible that I did see this sign, but thought that my skills were such that I could just keep moving along at my normal speed and accommodate the presence of children. Yeah. I was totally wrong about that. There's a whole list of things you need to do differently in the zone of your life that has children running all over it. All. Over. It. This is their zone and I drove right into it. I took this route on purpose, but I've only just realized I'm going to need to slow down on some things, pay closer attention to a few others and focus a little more on the important stuff if I'm going to navigate through this without hurting the children, my other passengers, my self, and my driving record. Yes. Go slow. There's children.
And then there's this one...
A narrowing road forces your focus like a laser beam and it would certainly be helpful to know those times in your life were up ahead before you headed into them at full speed. A narrowing road gives you fewer options, yes. But once you choose your route, and you feel like you're on the right course...how much wiggle room do you really need?
Many signs pass us by when we're on a familiar road. Our level of comfort is such that we don't need to look at those street signs. We know the speed limit. We know where the stop signs are. We just go. But my awareness is heightened these days because I have recently chosen an unfamiliar road. A new trip. I've headed down the road without directions, but with a general idea of where I'd like to end up. "How far are we from where we need to be?" And I'm looking out for this sign.
You'll let me know if I missed it won't you? Fellow travelers. This sign will signal that at least for the next leg of my journey I can focus my attention somewhere other than the potential crevice I might fall into if I'm not watching where I'm going.
Thanks. I'll send you the directions when I get where I'm going.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Moaning and Whining
In our house we call her Mona. That's not the name we gave her, it's the name she has earned with her unfaltering compulsion to moan...low and long whenever she is unhappy about something. It's this sighing puff of air followed by the most irritating, droning, knee weakening, gravely "Huh-oooooooooooooooh" that commands your attention. Pathetic. Effective. She is my Middle Bit, now nearly 4 years old and she is a riot.
Last week as I perused the long aisles of my favorite wine store I happened upon this quirky little option. For obvious reasons it caught my eye. A fairly inexperienced winer, I am regularly guilty of judging a vintage by its label. I can report, and a careful observer of the photo will observe that the bottle is indeed empty already, that it was decent. A blend...simple table wine, but very easy to drink.
Not being one myself, I can only imagine the kinds of things middle sisters have to whine about. But for less than $10 a bottle, if you know a middle sister, this is certainly a more constructive way to wine. We'll leave the moaning to my Middle Bit.
Last week as I perused the long aisles of my favorite wine store I happened upon this quirky little option. For obvious reasons it caught my eye. A fairly inexperienced winer, I am regularly guilty of judging a vintage by its label. I can report, and a careful observer of the photo will observe that the bottle is indeed empty already, that it was decent. A blend...simple table wine, but very easy to drink.
Not being one myself, I can only imagine the kinds of things middle sisters have to whine about. But for less than $10 a bottle, if you know a middle sister, this is certainly a more constructive way to wine. We'll leave the moaning to my Middle Bit.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Apples to Apples
So I came across a blog finally opened a forwarded email from my mother about a food blog today and was transported from my desk in TheMiddle to the Farmer's Market in Portland, and the messy kitchen of a mother with young children, and the coastline of the Northwest with its haunting, damp beauty and the wisdom of humble ingredients and simple processes. Yes. A food blog. But more about how we arrive at food and the journey that takes us there. We find what we're meant to find and the people we keep certainly direct us along the way.
It's author is, charmingly, the wife of the first boy I ever had a crush on. This boy, the worship worthy teen aged neighbor of 5 year old me. The patient leaf raker who allowed the annoying little neighbor girl the thrill of jumping in the pile over and over again. Probably getting paid to rake the few leaves that do fall in Boca Raton, in my fantasy he never once rolled his eyes when his mother reminded him of the novelty of falling leaves and what, to 5 year old me, seemed like a huge pile of fun just waiting to be jumped in. I remember being awestruck the day my father (who historically has issues with teenagers and expensive machinery) let him back our monstrous station wagon down the driveway to make room for the compulsive washing of another car. I was mesmerized by all 12 feet of that incredible road trip. Huh...haven't thought about that For. Ever. Amazing how it all comes right back. But I digress...this is about her blog, not my ancient infatuation...
Among other things, she writes about soup, "The
beautiful thing is...you probably have all of the
ingredients hanging around in the pantry right now. It's so easy to put
together and yet, it's so...elegant."
That's how it is with so many things though, isn't it. Food. Parenting. Partnering. You have all the ingredients you need, just hanging around. Your staples. The amazing power of humble ingredients like patience, and experience, and humor, and confidence in yourself and your partner and your history. So easy to put together when you have the right inspiration. And so elegant. Like I said, it's a food blog. And a travel blog about the journey that gets us there. And an advice column about where to look for inspiration.
"You have a blog and she has a blog. You two should read each other." My trip to La Pomme de Portland began in a very "apples to apples" sort of way. Simple ingredients. Yes, we find what we're meant to find and the people we keep certainly direct us along the way. I'm directing you there.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sometimes, Even Solid Crumbles
My foundation is solid. Solid. My life is built on stable ground, with a solid foundation of bricks that say things like,
"I'm prepared for..."
"They all expect me to.."
"I always planned on..."
"You can count on me to..."
"I'm certainly capable of..."
"I have everything I need for..."
But then the whole thing is razed by
"I want..."
Like a carefully controlled demolition with destructive charges aimed at the most critical places, "I want" knocks the whole thing down. "I want" makes me forget about my needs. "I want" causes me to lose sight of the treasures I already have. "I want" has me spending too much time looking ahead and not enough time looking at the joy on my left. And the love on my right. And the abundance in my lap. And, and, and...
My foundation is solid. Solid.
"I'm prepared for..."
"They all expect me to.."
"I always planned on..."
"You can count on me to..."
"I'm certainly capable of..."
"I have everything I need for..."
But then the whole thing is razed by
"I want..."
Like a carefully controlled demolition with destructive charges aimed at the most critical places, "I want" knocks the whole thing down. "I want" makes me forget about my needs. "I want" causes me to lose sight of the treasures I already have. "I want" has me spending too much time looking ahead and not enough time looking at the joy on my left. And the love on my right. And the abundance in my lap. And, and, and...
My foundation is solid. Solid.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Makes My Heart Go All Aflutter
People have written at length about the value of determining your sleep phase preference and how it affects everything from your emotional stability to your intelligence. A simple Google search might keep you absorbed for hours...but let me save you the trouble of losing an entire day. I had an epiphany this morning and I'd hate to ruffle your feathers...but truth is truth.
You can't turn a night owl into a lark.
But even hooters know
there are certain advantages
to occasionally being
the early bird.
Tweet tweet. Wink wink.
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