Tuesday, August 15, 2017

This is not a triumphant return...

I’ve quietly let myself in the backdoor with the key I left under the mat.

I feel like I need to explain myself.  I feel like I should explain myself.  Should…that’s a burden of a word/attitude.  I haven’t been here in a long while.  I haven’t filled this space with anything new, anything at all. I have so many good excuses. I don’t have any good excuses.  When I’m being honest with myself, I know that I put things down here because it helps me to know what I think.  The act of choosing words and forming sentences and gathering thoughts gives me a chance to work through things. 

Meh…I think that was the preamble.  The disclaimer.  I think that was the part where I try and make myself feel better.

I am angry.

I am sad.

I moved to Texas and I cannot seem to find my footing.  I keep getting knocked down, slammed down, nudged aside, “Here hold this, fix this, handle this, take this on, be okay with this…and do it fast, and don’t plan on anyone helping you because you’re alone Sweetheart, you’ve started over, so buckle up.”  “Oh, and it’s a big, fat, ugly, Texas cowboy buckle that doesn’t go with anything you know…so, fuck you.”

I need to reign in that last rant or it may never stop. 

You know what I do?  I pretend to be fine because NOT being fine is inconvenient.  It’s inefficient.  And I don’t want anyone to see that happening.

I am not fine.  And it’s terribly inefficient.  But I know when I’m writing and thinking, that I’m better.  So here we go again....