Tuesday, October 3, 2017

She's Making a List...

So I've been sitting with anger lately and I'm discovering some things about it.  Angry is my 'go-to' emotion because I excel at displaying it for people.  I don't really have to work hard to look and act pissed off and it has the desired effect of quickly throwing up a 50 foot wall topped with barbed wire and making sure anyone who approaches me slowly backs away because there is no chance they are getting in and there's a decent chance they'd get injured in the effort.  Angry is easy, angry is efficient at achieving my desired result...GET AWAY FROM ME!

What I'm discovering is that when I act angry it's often because I need the wall, and I need it quickly.  I want to hide behind it and not show people anything.  But angry isn't always what I am.  Sometimes I'm feeling weak or frustrated.  Sometimes it's afraid or trapped.  Sometimes it's guilt or rejection and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone see that.  So angry builds the wall and I can safely hide behind it until the feeling passes.

I can honestly say I have no idea what it would be like to show fear to people.  To behave like I'm feeling victimized or weak.  Or sad.  It would probably take longer...sigh.  What does trapped look like?  Was does inadequate look like?  I don't even know.  Do I even want to know?

I read somewhere that emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are.  That emotions are temporary, they don't define us.  They tell us how we are not who we are.  Ugh, all of this makes me feel sick because it sounds so good and true and simple.  I even speak it to people.  I need someone to speak it to me.

I think this is another preamble.  I'm paying attention to my emotions.  I'm keeping a list of what I actually am when I display angry.  So we'll see how that goes.